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Local Man With No Detectable Spiritual Gifts Assigned to Parking Lot Ministry

Newport, VT – A heated business meeting resulted in yet another member being sent to the parking lot ministry after the church staff, under the leadership of Head Senior Pastor of Prophecy James Boggs, couldn’t reconcile Rick Oswald’s servant-heart with his low score on the church-mandated spiritual giftedness test.

Said Boggs after the meeting, “Oswald has a good heart, a great heart, but he has what the Apostle Paul would call ‘the lesser, lesser gifts.’ And by that I mean none.” Boggs went on to explain that the church “is like a well-oiled machine” and that only the “most gifted and discerning of cogs” could serve in roles involving leadership, teaching, high-visibility, and/or influence. “It’s for the good of the church,” he said. “If you put an ordinary, everyday gear where a fine-jeweled piece is meant to go, the church breaks down.”

For his part, Oswald seemed somewhat disappointed with the decision, but ultimately undaunted. “The parking lot ministry here is great,” he commented. “It’s where all my favorite people in the church minister, so it’s a really affirming place. Sometimes people will come to church and they spend the whole time out in the parking lot, just singing, and sharing stories and, you know…being together and talking about God.”

When asked about the test Boggs was secretive, admitting it was one he, under ‘the leading of the Holy Spirit’ developed and was not disseminated outside the church. “it’s a powerful thing,” he said. “Very powerful.”

Oswald didn’t remember many of the questions, saying a lot of them were confusing and seemed odd and “unspiritual.” He recalled questions about education level, income average, and social media presence.

“And the first question was, ‘Do you have man-parts?’ which I thought was weird,” Oswald said before helping park a late-arrival and leading them towards the church, all while smiling, talking, and even carrying one of the small children on his shoulders.

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