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Experts Determine “Things Jesus Never Said” Is Jesus-Juke for “That’s What She Said”

Albuquerque, NM - The Pew-Pew-Pew Study and Research Group released a 153-page report on Monday, detailing their findings on the “usefulness, appropriateness, and meaning of the phrase ‘Things Jesus Never Said’ in church culture.” The study marks the conclusion of a nearly four-year study into the subject in which thousands of Facebook pages and posts, Tweets, Instagram accounts, comment sections, and Reddit threads were analyses and deconstructed.

“These findings represent thousands of hours of tireless and, frankly, dang-near thankless work,” said Dr. Marcia Anderson, who organized and spear-headed the efforts. “No one asked for this, but the world needs it. So here it is.”

After reminding the press that the full implications of the study were best understood when reading the whole report and not “taking a short, incomplete summary and running with it,” Dr. Anderson said the study more or less discovered that “Things Jesus Never Said” was “almost completely useless” as an argument or idea and that “it serves as a sophomoric retort for those in the Reformed and Calvinist crowds whose conscience wouldn’t permit them to say "That’s what she said” in response to disagreement.“

"All in all,” Dr. Anderson said in conclusion, “the phrase has turned out to be pretty useless and not worth the effort put into its use or study. Our recommendation is that it be retired.”

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