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Five-Point Hyper-Calvinist’s Faith in Critical Condition After Discovering Tulips Don’t Have Five Petals

Louisville, KY - Scott Renshaw, a member and aspiring elder of Grace and Truth Baptist Church in Louisville is in what officials at Southern Seminary are calling a “crisis of conviction” this morning following a trip with Kasey Brant, his “smokin’ hot bride-to-be”, to a local garden and arboretum.

“We were walking through some beautiful flowers, tulips, when he just collapsed in a heap,” said Kasey. “I had remarked how beautiful the tulips were and he just…melted-down.”

Professors at Southern Seminary are optimistic about Scott’s chances at recovery, but caution against over-optimism. “He may never be the cage-stage Calvinist we knew and loved.”

For her part, Kasey is determined to stand by her man, holding his hand and reading Matt Chandler devotions to him while he muttered, “It doesn’t have five petals! It doesn’t have five petals!”

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