Church Secretary Misplaces Baptismal Records, Causing Hundreds to Question Salvation
Little Rock, AR - Haven Hills Baptist church side-stepped a major catastrophe earlier this week after the newly-hired secretary momentarily lost the church's baptismal records, causing hundreds of members and former members to question their salvation. The records were located less than 48 hours after the initial moment of pure, unparalleled panic, but much consternation was experienced in the interim.
"Dear god, that's our salvation she's being all willy-nilly about," declared inactive member James Spalding. "If we didn't have that book recording when we said the little prayer and got baptized, how would we know for sure we were saved?!"
"Without that record, how would God know for sure?" added member and occasional attendee Jordan Crimm. "I was baptized years ago, when I was a little girl, the church can't expect me to keep up with my baptismal certificate for all those years, can they?"
A look of panic crossed her face, "Oh my gosh, am I responsible to keep up with my salvation? I said the prayer like the preacher said, what more could they expect?"
It is estimated that approximately 800 baptisms were recorded in the misplaced books. And although they have been found and the salvation of those listed has been reassured, some wonder if the church is exhibiting proper care of such vital records.
"Maybe they should store them in a safe, or a safe-deposit box," suggested Crimm. "These are important. Or digitize them!"
"Oh, heavens no," interjected Spalding. "Then what if we got hacked? The gosh-danged Russians or Chinese could erase our salvation just like that if they were digitized! Or Obama could do it! He's a Muslim!"