In Candid Interview God Admits America Was Never Meant to Be the “New Israel,” Regrets Not Making That Even More Abundantly Clear
New Zion, NHaE – God recently invited a handful of journalists into His presence for a brief, but candid interview. Among the topics broached, including the problem of evil, the theory of universalism, and David Hassellhoff’s career trajectory, was that of America’s role in God’s plan for the universe. Namely, how is America meant to function as God’s “New Israel” and what will happen if it completely forsakes that identity?
“Yeah, about that,” God said as he reclined in his throne and fiddled with a tube containing rolled-up blueprints for his home’s ongoing expansions. “Just being honest for a second, this issue has really bugged me for the past two hundred years or so. The truth is America was never a “second Israel” or a “new Israel” or anything like that. Did the guys that founded it think that? Some of them did, yes. Did I make them a kind of special people all my own? No, no I didn’t. I have a “special people,” but they’re called “the church.” And I thought I made that pretty obvious in that huge book collection I left behind.”
When pressed further on the issue and asked if America was at least really, really important to God’s ongoing plans for the universe, God gave a half-shrug. “I get a little exasperated at that kind of talk because, really guys, I used Assyria and Babylon back in the day. Everyone is important, each country and people and ethnicity matters to me, but I don’t have a “chosen nation” down there. I have a chosen church. I don’t know how more abundantly clear I could have made it, but I kind of wish I had.”
At the conclusion of the interview God declined to give a firm date on his rumored, much discussed reunion tour. “All I can say is it is going to happen, I will be reunited with my church, and it’s going to be unlike anything you’ve ever seen.”