Local Church Cancels Mother’s Day-Out Program After Coup Attempt Leaves Educational Wing in Tatters
Portland, OR – First Church of Portland has announced the immediate and indefinite discontinuation of their Mother’s Day-Out program after a fire being linked to a “frighteningly organized coup attempt” left the church’s educational wing in an unusable condition. Both the Portland Fire and Police Departments were called out. The SWAT team is rumored to have activated, but not dispatched.
The coup is thought to have begun in the 2-year old room where a Mrs. Alice Fielding was outnumbered 15-to-1 by the soon-to-be-hostile population. The toddlers quickly over-powered the worker before signaling the 4-5-year old class that the coup was underway. After standing on each others shoulders to form some kind of mega-person, the toddlers pulled the fire alarm, creating chaos and distracting the workers from the real threat. An actual fire was later set, but it is unknown if this was intentional or an unintended consequence of the radical toddler uprising.
Part-time custodian Bob Roberts (affectionately known as “Bob-Bob”) has been credited by the police and unnamed sources within the church as being the one to turn the tide in the coup. One report states that one particularly prodigious 5-year old had nearly gained control of the church’s computer and phone systems using their NABI tablet and one teacher’s iPhone before Bob-Bob shrewdly distracted the majority of the toddler forced by scattering animal crackers down the hall. Others had to be taken down using harder, more controversial methods. Bob-Bob has admitted to certain church authorities that he threatened the screen-time of multiple 4-year olds and that he and a handful of workers he freed from their utility closet prisons resorted to instigating both pillow and tickle fights with several children in order to disrupt the coup’s momentum.
Edward Herring, a 5-year old with four years experience in the First Church Mother’s Day-Out system is thought to be the mastermind behind the coup. He was known as a “quiet little boy” who “never caused a problem” and who “often shared his juice and crackers with new children.” Workers who were shocked at his involvement are now forced to consider the fact that his good-boy façade was likely a cover behind which he built the machinations of his movement over the past 2-3 years.
“I let him play Peek-a-Boo barn on my phone,” lamented one teacher as she was treated for shock and carpet burns. “Now I realize he was learning our patterns and our passcodes. He played us all.”